Rise Up

I moved back to LA this week, because frankly, I don't know what else to do with myself.

You may be interested in specifics of what's going on lately. And between waiting for things to be settled at home and moving into a new place, designing a new website, getting back into the casting circuit, figuring out employment, getting new photos, and determining my overall place in LA, I'm not sure what to tell anyone yet.

I've been stuck in a nightmare for several months. Something that impeded my artistic growth, adult life and made me really struggle to find the happy spot in any day.

The situation has kept me from living comfortably in the present. The past made me depressed. The future made me anxious. People have been so nice. But nice doesn't help you. It doesn't advance your career. It doesn't push you forward to bliss. I'm about moving forward, not being held hostage to dwell on the past.

People online astound me. I scroll through and see all these shiny happy pictures - of visiting other countries, of wild nights at bars, of laying out on beaches, of sunny days with friends. Then, in the middle of it, I read a comment of how tough things are and how they need attention or whatever bullshit drama. Are you kidding me? Do they realize how tough it can really get? Some people don't know what they have. Maybe we're too spoiled.... Maybe I was...

Let me tell you reader, I know what it feels like to be in the ground that is below the bottom of the barrel. I know loss on a grand scale. I know what it's like for people you love and care about to vanish. To be left wondering, who's on my side? Who understands?

I find encouragement in the unlikeliness of places. I see a cousin who lost his twin sister a year ago, moving forward in life with a new-born son and significant other. I see a grandmother, with whom I would take weekly drives to Tennessee, cheerfully point out all the honeymoon spots and places she went to as a young adult . I see a brother who convincingly made the high school golf team, beating out several students in all grades to make a small roster. I see people, who have every right to be sad, embrace life and choose to be happy instead.

I had a whole thing ready to go to tell you about what I've been through, before I realized that's not the point. The kicker is all these troubles are relative. There are people that do not feel sorry for me. Then, there's people that think I deserve more. How sorry you feel for someone depends on how much crap you deal with in life.

You can't get your SAG card? Waaah, I can't move to Hollywood. You can't move to Hollywood? Waaah, I'm stuck in school. You're stuck in school? Waaah, I'm physically handicapped. And so on. You can always shut the whining up by mentioning paraplegics or starving kids in India..

Despite everything, I am still an optimist with big dreams that still matter. It's tough to understand why I ever got down over anything before this. Yes, I was stuck in an easy, repetitive job before July 16 and complained. But who doesn't? Who isn't anxious for more?

I could settle down. Get a decent job. Get a cheap place. Surround myself with fun stuff, like movies and video games, and be safe. I can give up dreams - I have nothing to prove to anyone. But I want to be fulfilled. I feel I have what it takes. And I haven't given everything yet.

July 16 was horrible, and there is a God and people that need to know I didn't mean things I said that day and the days afterward. But it did change my mindset in the long run. July 16 taught me to wake up feeling blessed that I get another shot, to make every day count. My plans did not change that day like I thought they would. It put them into perspective and was a swift kick in the butt to get it going right.

I plan to take it to a whole new level. I won't have the same job, place to live, or people around. And I have a lot of work to do on my own. I'll make mistakes. I'll say the wrong things to people. I will lose more people I love. But I have a plan of attack, believe in myself, and couldn't be more excited and hopeful.

Maybe I believe too much in the best of people and the way the world works. I don't know how else to go through life.

No matter what life throws at you, no matter how much loss and pain you go through, I've realized there are people somewhere - around the country, in the past, on the clouds - that believe in me. Therefore, I have a legacy. I can do anything.