I spent the last week of June preparing myself for how July was going to go. Nothing could prepare me for this. Now a few days after giving part of my father's eulogy, I'm on the front row of adulthood.
Everything that has happened in LA is suddenly irrelevent. It doesn't matter. All the relationships. All the work. All the plans. Stopped. Doesn't matter. Could matter again at some point. But not now. I'm on the front row of adulthood.
Everything my father worked for. Everything he created and saved and put up and owned is my responsibility now. His son, my little brother, is my responsibility now, though I have help and the love and support for our family is great.
It's only been a little over a week. Last Monday I left LA in a panic, in devastation. My heart tore out of my chest. I don't know how I made it here. I was completely wrecked.
And in a way, I still am. I found consolation in staying busy and active - planning the funeral and how life would unfold at Riverview Drive next. Not crawling in the bed and weeping to my family and friends. I've had to communicate with everyone who was effected by my father's charm, friendship, and love. And, reader, trust me when I say that is a lot of folks.
Dad was someone who enabled me and backed me up. I never owed him anything. Never borrowed money. Never took anything. I'm proud of that. We are on even keel.
He was my mentor. He was someone who trusted the paths I chose to walk in life. What I was interested in, he was interested in. And that couldn't work the other way around. He was the glue that held the families together. Now I am.
Acting, and everything I had been doing, just seems silly now. It seems like something I barely did. Something devoid of purpose. Yes, I can run from Florence. I can come back to LA in no time and work harder, motivated by my father's belief in me. But how can I with so much responsibility with the Salter legacy? Who is the male presence for Samuel? I am not justifying to myself for staying here or absorbing your sympathy, I am just on the front row of adulthood.
I wrote something about how happiness comes from our own actions. It comes from what we do and perceive to be as enlightening. Somebody told me sources of happiness are everywhere. If there's sunshine outside, that's a blessing. Happiness is not succeeding and fulfilling your dreams, it's embracing your situation and looking for the things around you that are functioning and working to keep you sane and interested.
Dad was my rock, the reason I could go and explore and pursue dreams. The reason I created many happy memories. I came from him. Now he's gone. I have to come back to where he was. To what he created and had. I have to be a Salter now.
My belief is if I can stand over Dad, view his corpse, and give a speech about what he meant to the world a week after sunbathing in Santa Monica, I can do ANYTHING.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Notes #2
Confidence Is Key
There is something about me that makes people want to have a go at me. I seem to bring out aggressive and war-like behavior from my peers sometimes.
Today at the "9 to 5", I was sent to a food cart to help with some new hires. About all they knew was how to clock in and ask if they could help you. I show up. I move things around. I get food prepared. I call in orders. I move the line. I do my job.
Then, I told one of them what to do. The kid stopped, broke the momentum, and asked, "Why do I need to do that?"
I ended up doing that (and more) while he stood there. It wasn't an instance that set me off, but it made me think. There is something about my demeanor, my persona, that after a while, seems to get to people I'm around. There's some sort of mentality I instill in people that makes them want to challenge me, to stand their ground.
For example, I can say, "I love that team." Then the person I'm sitting next to at the bar turns to me and loudly replies, "Are you kidding me? That team sucks! I like so-and-so!" And odds are, it's a team I don't like. Confrontation ensues.
And even if the guy at the bar liked the same team I like, there will be something about the way I proclaim it that would make them go something like "Yea, but why do you like them so much?"
This is good and bad. I like people challenging me. I like people who are smart, tough, thick-skinned, feisty, and not easy to sway. I think I get all the opinions on the table quickly when around people. Why is that? Is something I can fix? Do I need to fix it?
Our attitude and behavior effects people around us. Confidence is key but only a moderate amount. You don't want to mow down everyone in your path just to show how strong you think you are. It's not talking louder. It's not puffing out your chest. It's not making grand gestures. It's not even writing longer blogs. I've misunderstood this, thinking people need to see all this to know my strength. Negative. That just got them going - to the point they can turn against me.
What I need to do is be settled within my own inner strength. It is trusting in your beliefs and thoughts, even if it's something you can only prove to yourself. That, in tense moments with people, there wouldn't be an urge to lash out with quick words and action. Instead, it would be me comprehending the situation for myself and deciding if it's even worth it to let my thoughts into the universe. This would cut down on my abrasive behavior that has alienated me from important people all throughout my early life.
I mean, why feel you need to let other always know about it?
Everyone wants to be heard and understood. But perhaps being at peace with your own thoughts is more important. That is my definition of inner strength.
Take a Picture of... Something That You're Not Sure Of
I've been looking and debating photographers since April, and I finally chose one. I got a recommendation from a close friend in the entertainment biz. After a bunch of phone calls and several missed in-studio visits, I finally met and talked with the man this afternoon. I'm shooting in a couple of weeks. He was very professional and seems like someone comfortable to be around. What was the most important thing was he had a creative spirit and was only interested in shots that would BOOK WORK.
Right now, my Facebook has a bunch of "point and shoot" headshots that have worked few and far between the past two years. By the end of the month, there will be something new. I can look at myself and again start to visualize myself on a set again. Perhaps. More work to be done.
If interested, the photographer's site is here. http://www.michaelroud.com/
Vacation: All I Ever Wanted
I know a lot of people that deserve a vacation, and I'm one of them.
I refuse to go back home to Alabama to visit until I have enough materials to compete for auditions and parts when I come back. I'm trying to be careful not to bitch about the "9 to 5" but it's hard when it is taking a lot of time away from why I came out here.
I want to go to Disneyland, Sea World, Vegas, San Diego Zoo, Knott's Berry Farm, Vegas, Legoland, Catalina, Channel Islands, Big Bear, Vegas, San Francisco, Vegas, to name a few.
I thought I'd have all these places conquered by now. Ha.
There's still plenty of hot air and miles of roadway before I can't go anywhere.
Thought of the Day
How unfortunate real life doesn't move at the speed of a writer crafting his composition. How much violence would be thwarted. How much less accidents would occur. How many relationships would be saved. How much more common sense people would have. If we had time to find the right words.
There is something about me that makes people want to have a go at me. I seem to bring out aggressive and war-like behavior from my peers sometimes.
Today at the "9 to 5", I was sent to a food cart to help with some new hires. About all they knew was how to clock in and ask if they could help you. I show up. I move things around. I get food prepared. I call in orders. I move the line. I do my job.
Then, I told one of them what to do. The kid stopped, broke the momentum, and asked, "Why do I need to do that?"
I ended up doing that (and more) while he stood there. It wasn't an instance that set me off, but it made me think. There is something about my demeanor, my persona, that after a while, seems to get to people I'm around. There's some sort of mentality I instill in people that makes them want to challenge me, to stand their ground.
For example, I can say, "I love that team." Then the person I'm sitting next to at the bar turns to me and loudly replies, "Are you kidding me? That team sucks! I like so-and-so!" And odds are, it's a team I don't like. Confrontation ensues.
And even if the guy at the bar liked the same team I like, there will be something about the way I proclaim it that would make them go something like "Yea, but why do you like them so much?"
This is good and bad. I like people challenging me. I like people who are smart, tough, thick-skinned, feisty, and not easy to sway. I think I get all the opinions on the table quickly when around people. Why is that? Is something I can fix? Do I need to fix it?
Our attitude and behavior effects people around us. Confidence is key but only a moderate amount. You don't want to mow down everyone in your path just to show how strong you think you are. It's not talking louder. It's not puffing out your chest. It's not making grand gestures. It's not even writing longer blogs. I've misunderstood this, thinking people need to see all this to know my strength. Negative. That just got them going - to the point they can turn against me.
What I need to do is be settled within my own inner strength. It is trusting in your beliefs and thoughts, even if it's something you can only prove to yourself. That, in tense moments with people, there wouldn't be an urge to lash out with quick words and action. Instead, it would be me comprehending the situation for myself and deciding if it's even worth it to let my thoughts into the universe. This would cut down on my abrasive behavior that has alienated me from important people all throughout my early life.
I mean, why feel you need to let other always know about it?
Everyone wants to be heard and understood. But perhaps being at peace with your own thoughts is more important. That is my definition of inner strength.
Take a Picture of... Something That You're Not Sure Of
I've been looking and debating photographers since April, and I finally chose one. I got a recommendation from a close friend in the entertainment biz. After a bunch of phone calls and several missed in-studio visits, I finally met and talked with the man this afternoon. I'm shooting in a couple of weeks. He was very professional and seems like someone comfortable to be around. What was the most important thing was he had a creative spirit and was only interested in shots that would BOOK WORK.
Right now, my Facebook has a bunch of "point and shoot" headshots that have worked few and far between the past two years. By the end of the month, there will be something new. I can look at myself and again start to visualize myself on a set again. Perhaps. More work to be done.
If interested, the photographer's site is here. http://www.michaelroud.com/
Vacation: All I Ever Wanted
I know a lot of people that deserve a vacation, and I'm one of them.
I refuse to go back home to Alabama to visit until I have enough materials to compete for auditions and parts when I come back. I'm trying to be careful not to bitch about the "9 to 5" but it's hard when it is taking a lot of time away from why I came out here.
I want to go to Disneyland, Sea World, Vegas, San Diego Zoo, Knott's Berry Farm, Vegas, Legoland, Catalina, Channel Islands, Big Bear, Vegas, San Francisco, Vegas, to name a few.
I thought I'd have all these places conquered by now. Ha.
There's still plenty of hot air and miles of roadway before I can't go anywhere.
Thought of the Day
How unfortunate real life doesn't move at the speed of a writer crafting his composition. How much violence would be thwarted. How much less accidents would occur. How many relationships would be saved. How much more common sense people would have. If we had time to find the right words.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Quickie poem
Lovers argue so they can have sugar
& remember to cry
and then fall for remarks
Of short sundresses and pigtails.
& remember to cry
and then fall for remarks
Of short sundresses and pigtails.
Friday, July 6, 2012
This past week I've carred a little, compact notebook everywhere with good results. It's crummy advice to jumpstart your writing muscle, but it's effective for me right now. Ideas and thoughts aren't escaping, and I've been able to hold on and develp a narrative for the times I've been having lately. Here's some excerpts.
MOVIEGOERS ASSEMBLE!
I'd like to briefly say something about The Avengers. Nevermind everyone's seen it, and it's been analyzed forward, backward, and upside down. I was preparing a review for it in May, but for some reason, I dropped the ball on it.
It is one of the great superhero movies, as far as a clear example of ensemble character work in movies. The first act developed slowly for my taste, and there was nothing ground-breaking storywise. However, perhaps these devices were deliberate in fleshing out superheroes in a universe that was years in the making.
With his involvement in this and Cabin in the Woods, Joss Whedon is behind the two most enjoyable movies of the year so far. His M.O. will always be dealing with character and conversation. Much like Scorsese does no wrong in mafia genre and Cameron pushes the envelope for visual effects, Whedon has a method of dealing with characters that won't get old any time soon.
A bit of a warning to Whedon and Marvel fans alike: beware of awarding the man a sort of entitled greatness due to a tremendous track record. It's still a movie, albeit a very good one. But too many times I've come to blows with fans who were unwilling and unable to see any flaws or need for improvement. Don't let your adoration blind you to fundamental failures of movie mechanics. And this goes for Dark Knight and Hobbit fans too, so don't think there's a double standard.
Hold accountability when you go to the movies. After all, you paid for your ticket.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM YOUR OWN ACTIONS
I'm beginning to understand lately that my problems are just that. My problems. Anything I have to complain about in my life out here is simply because I decided to move out here in the first place.
What's frustrating is giving your all out here is not enough. Adult life requires inner strength, whether you find that from inspiration, a loved one, or God. It may take somebody I haven't even become yet to have my dreams realized. Or it may never happen. What is important is the ride, the quest to sustain happiness.
I have always held on to the theory as a little boy that I was going to do whatever it was that made me happy. That I was always going to have something to look forward to. Whether it was a TV show, birthday, or pizza - something to get excited about. This was my own philosophy, and it still rings true today.
It comes down to me. I'm the one that put myself in this position. I am the one that rejoices and suffers accordingly.
For example, I had an audition and callback for a meaty role in a short film through a USC. It didn't pay much, but the role fit me (midwest college boy going through transitional period blah blah blah). I wanted to give it my all, as a way of getting back into actor mode. The audition went great. I had a good meal beforehand. I found close parking. The wait wasn't that long. I had continuously been practicing and making choices. I was prepared when I went in and nailed it. The director was happy to meet me and almost immediately I got a callback. Tuesday night, I make the same preparations and go in. They barely remember me. I go through the scene and the only adjustment I get is "go quicker". After the thank you/goodbyes, it was out the door, and I haven't heard a thing since.
Such is the business, such is my state of mind.
PARTAY
With episodes like this and a full-time job, it's only human to desire a vacation. Not getting one til my birthday, but I tried to force a small one this past weekend.
Last Friday night, I met some new friends and was invited to a pool party the following day, Saturday. I took off from work and met them there. It was fun, at first. Lots of dancing, bikinis, alcohol, and adulterated fun. I had a good rapport with these people the night before.
After three hours of swimming and talking, four tan, macho guys with cowboy hats show up and began talking to us about the most uninteresting things. Trucks, chlorine, cowboy hats. It got to the point where I couldn't get to their level. I thanked my friends for the invite and left. Bad timing because of a booty-shaking contest, but you know...
Point is, I sought happiness and lived with the consequences. Even if this is a group of people I can't hang with, I was grateful I could free my mind from the stress.
I HEARD FIREWORKS BUT DIDN'T SEE ANY
In case you were wondering. That's been the case the past two years living out here. I miss the Spirit of Freedom celebration down at the river bottom of the Tennesse River, a mile from the house. All the tailgaters, the beer cans, the dirty rednecks, the confederate flags, jet skis and boats. Hell yea. I remember where I was every year the fireworks went off. They say the Fourth is a symbol of patriotism. It's a symbol of growing up and adolescence for me.
I have other thoughts too. Two of my roommates moved out. A new one moved in; she's a casting director, apparently. I'll be sure to exploit that. Internet cut out for 3 days. I haven't seen Spider-man yet, despite both a rave from a younger girlfriend and a pan from a filmmaker buddy. I'm close to booking a session with a renown photographer later on this month. I'm searching for scenes for a reel. And the "9 to 5" rolls on. For now.
MOVIEGOERS ASSEMBLE!
I'd like to briefly say something about The Avengers. Nevermind everyone's seen it, and it's been analyzed forward, backward, and upside down. I was preparing a review for it in May, but for some reason, I dropped the ball on it.
It is one of the great superhero movies, as far as a clear example of ensemble character work in movies. The first act developed slowly for my taste, and there was nothing ground-breaking storywise. However, perhaps these devices were deliberate in fleshing out superheroes in a universe that was years in the making.
With his involvement in this and Cabin in the Woods, Joss Whedon is behind the two most enjoyable movies of the year so far. His M.O. will always be dealing with character and conversation. Much like Scorsese does no wrong in mafia genre and Cameron pushes the envelope for visual effects, Whedon has a method of dealing with characters that won't get old any time soon.
A bit of a warning to Whedon and Marvel fans alike: beware of awarding the man a sort of entitled greatness due to a tremendous track record. It's still a movie, albeit a very good one. But too many times I've come to blows with fans who were unwilling and unable to see any flaws or need for improvement. Don't let your adoration blind you to fundamental failures of movie mechanics. And this goes for Dark Knight and Hobbit fans too, so don't think there's a double standard.
Hold accountability when you go to the movies. After all, you paid for your ticket.
HAPPINESS COMES FROM YOUR OWN ACTIONS
I'm beginning to understand lately that my problems are just that. My problems. Anything I have to complain about in my life out here is simply because I decided to move out here in the first place.
What's frustrating is giving your all out here is not enough. Adult life requires inner strength, whether you find that from inspiration, a loved one, or God. It may take somebody I haven't even become yet to have my dreams realized. Or it may never happen. What is important is the ride, the quest to sustain happiness.
I have always held on to the theory as a little boy that I was going to do whatever it was that made me happy. That I was always going to have something to look forward to. Whether it was a TV show, birthday, or pizza - something to get excited about. This was my own philosophy, and it still rings true today.
It comes down to me. I'm the one that put myself in this position. I am the one that rejoices and suffers accordingly.
For example, I had an audition and callback for a meaty role in a short film through a USC. It didn't pay much, but the role fit me (midwest college boy going through transitional period blah blah blah). I wanted to give it my all, as a way of getting back into actor mode. The audition went great. I had a good meal beforehand. I found close parking. The wait wasn't that long. I had continuously been practicing and making choices. I was prepared when I went in and nailed it. The director was happy to meet me and almost immediately I got a callback. Tuesday night, I make the same preparations and go in. They barely remember me. I go through the scene and the only adjustment I get is "go quicker". After the thank you/goodbyes, it was out the door, and I haven't heard a thing since.
Such is the business, such is my state of mind.
PARTAY
With episodes like this and a full-time job, it's only human to desire a vacation. Not getting one til my birthday, but I tried to force a small one this past weekend.
Last Friday night, I met some new friends and was invited to a pool party the following day, Saturday. I took off from work and met them there. It was fun, at first. Lots of dancing, bikinis, alcohol, and adulterated fun. I had a good rapport with these people the night before.
After three hours of swimming and talking, four tan, macho guys with cowboy hats show up and began talking to us about the most uninteresting things. Trucks, chlorine, cowboy hats. It got to the point where I couldn't get to their level. I thanked my friends for the invite and left. Bad timing because of a booty-shaking contest, but you know...
Point is, I sought happiness and lived with the consequences. Even if this is a group of people I can't hang with, I was grateful I could free my mind from the stress.
I HEARD FIREWORKS BUT DIDN'T SEE ANY
In case you were wondering. That's been the case the past two years living out here. I miss the Spirit of Freedom celebration down at the river bottom of the Tennesse River, a mile from the house. All the tailgaters, the beer cans, the dirty rednecks, the confederate flags, jet skis and boats. Hell yea. I remember where I was every year the fireworks went off. They say the Fourth is a symbol of patriotism. It's a symbol of growing up and adolescence for me.
I have other thoughts too. Two of my roommates moved out. A new one moved in; she's a casting director, apparently. I'll be sure to exploit that. Internet cut out for 3 days. I haven't seen Spider-man yet, despite both a rave from a younger girlfriend and a pan from a filmmaker buddy. I'm close to booking a session with a renown photographer later on this month. I'm searching for scenes for a reel. And the "9 to 5" rolls on. For now.
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