Victoria & Abdul

Victoria & Abdul.

This is the story of the unlikely friendship between Queen Victoria (Judi Dench) and a young Indian clerk Abdul Karim (Ali Fazal).

It has fun with the extravagant royal treatment of the reigning 1800s English monarch. It’s light, bright, breezy, and you could find some amusing bits if you just flipped it on.

But the movie as a whole rings false to me. It feels this particular history lesson has gone through Hollywoodification.

The fun here is watching the Queen do things, like learn the Hindu language and demand a mango from across the globe. Dench is great, but we’re getting lulled into expecting these performances, so I can’t comment where this one stands.

Abdul is written too one-dimensional, and even though it follows his journey from India to England, it still feels too much like surface material.

Stephen Frears has directed excellent movies, so it’s curious why this one’s shallow. Why not dive a little deeper into what the Queen saw in him, and what the rest of the royal household saw that made them so racially prejudice?

There’s a good story here. The Queen took to Abdul because he simply spoke to her as a friend, not as a proper, measured manservant.

I know as much because I read a great Vanity Fair article that’s more informative than this movie. But I don’t discourage you from seeing it.

Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Threes Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.

You can't have simple feelings about the characters in this movie. That's because they're never done sorting through their own feelings about everything.
I thought one thing about Sam Rockwell's character until he showed me something else. And same for Frances McDormand. And to some degree, Woody Harrelson.

The decision those characters face at the end of the movie seem to place it out of the hands of the filmmakers themselves.

I really enjoyed that. It's difficult to watch the pain and anger these people go through, and it's a movie that questions what we're supposed to do with it. Whether we chose to serve somebody a bottle of wine or bash their head in with it.

McDormand and Rockwell are so effective, because we can see what they're thinking, but they don't clue us what actions they'll take as a result.

Intriguing story/script, raw acting, and excellent small-town USA scenery. Lots of familiar actors turn up for support, but the three mentioned actors carry the bulk of the story.

x

Call Me By Your Name

Call Me By Your Name.

It's about a young boy, Elio (Timothée Chalamet) who falls in love one summer with an older grad student, Oliver (Armie Hammer), who is staying with him and his family of archaeologists at their place in northern Italy one summer in the 1980s.

Sometimes in the movies, you need an access point to help you begin to empathize. I've never been to Europe. I don't consciously remember the 1980s. My family isn't Jewish or archaeologists. I've never had sexual feelings for a man. On the surface, there's not much of anything relatable (or American, for that matter) in the movie.

My access point was the song "Futile Devices" by Sufjan Stevens played in full midway through the film, as the movie contemplated the feelings of young 17-year old Elio. Even though I couldn't imagine the depth of what he was feeling and how personal it was, I immediately was in his shoes. Because I know what that song means to me.

That's not just a testament to Sufjan Stevens (who also has two other new songs that fit nicely here), but to the director Luca Guadagnino who knows the aesthetic feeling he was going for.

Guaragnino has created a lot of beautiful cinematic scenes. You won't forget it's Europe. Such as when Elio and Oliver circle each other around a WWI statue or when the camera stays fixed on the landscape as they ride down the bike path.

Chalamet gives a mature, emotionally deep performance as the boy. There are explicit scenes, and I'm not a fan of sexual situations in the movies in general. But for everything that happens, his best scene of the movie is during the closing credits where the camera sits on his face.

And Michael Stuhlbarg, as Elio's father, gives an absolutely killer monologue to his son at the end that will leave many people in tears.

It's one of the best of year. Find your access point.

The Individual Conscience

I finally finished Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee's follow-up to one of the greatest books ever written To Kill a Mockingbird. I got it the day it came out in Alabama last July and left it there to read when I came home. I finally took it back with me to LA and picked it up again and finished a few days ago.

It's no Mockingbird. But we knew that before we opened the book. Flashbacks, some filler, switches between first and third person, dialogue immediately followed by a change in location in the next paragraph... You have to follow Jean Louise (Scout) Finch's stream of thought carefully. And we know all about the Harper Lee conspiracy theories.

But it has traces of beautiful passages. Conversations that happen between Jean Louise, Atticus, and her family that are as thought-provoking now, as they were in 1960 when TKAM came out. The main theme is disillusionment and coming into your own conscience (not a collective one) about the world. At first glance, people would be disappointed in this book, but there are things to consider here for our time.

One of these beautiful passages was Jean Louise in her head at a Southern dinner party with family, neighbors, and a few racist folk mouthing off. They want to know how New York is, which is where she lives now, and she thinks in her head:

"New York. New York? I'll tell you how New York is. New York has all the answers. People go to the YMHA, the English-Speaking Union, Carnegie Hall, the New School for Social Research, and find the answers. The city lives by slogans, isms, and fast sure answers. New York is saying to me right now: you, Jean Louise Finch, are not reacting according to our doctrines regarding your kind, therefore you do not exist. The best minds in the country have told us who you are. You can't escape it, and we don't blame you for it, but we do ask you to conduct yourself within the rules that those who know have laid down for your behavior, and don't try to be anything else.

She answered: please believe me, what has happened in my family is not what you think. I can only say this- that everything I learned about human decency I learned here. I learned nothing from you except how to be suspicious. I didn't know what hate was until I lived among you and saw you hating every day. They even had to pass laws to keep you from hating. I despise your quick answers, your slogans in the subways, and most of all I despise your lack of good manners: you'll never have 'em as long as you exist."

This. A wonderful example of the culture war that is happening in our heads by anybody, em, that moves from a sleepy town to the big city.

Who hasn't attacked the new society where they live, in their head where things are safe to work out? You're not right or wrong. There is no collective conscience.

We are so quick to jump on people today. I think we could recognize more that we all have a conscience we're trying to work out in this increasingly complicated world. Go easier on people. Odds are they're trying to work it out honestly. Your behavior and belief system, informed by your own conscience, is what being an individual is all about.

Classic Movie Renaissance Part 1 (Courtesy AFI)

The past several months, in an effort to to familiarize myself with classic cinema and keep me from AMC too much, I've been going through the "AFI 100 Years, 100 Movies" list. A friend of mine gave me the idea, and it's a really good one.

I'm less likely to procrastinate if I have a list. I can mark stuff off as I do them. So I've been able to go through so many classic movies that I somehow managed to put off so far in life.

I've seen about half of everything on it so far. Blade Runner, Easy Rider, and Platoon are the few films I didn't care for, although I understand their significance.

And damn, I couldn't sit still to absorb Mike Nichols' Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? I love Albee plays, but here I found nothing but capable screen performances. It's not that I don't like watching marital discord. One of my favorite movies of all time is American Beauty. That, however, needed different access points for somebody who may not can pick up on undertones of what's going on in a marriage. American Beauty had the business with the daughter, the boyfriend, the neighbor, etc. to expand the theme, so the picture didn't depend purely on us analyzing the passive aggressiveness of the married couple.

BLACK-AND-WHITE SURPRISES

Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans was an interesting choice to put on the list. A silent German expressionist film with surprisingly heavy drama for a movie made in the 20s.

Katherine Hepburn's character in Bringing Up Baby never crossed the line into annoyance but stayed firmly enduring and upbeat in the different comedic way she reacted and saw things.

Swing Time with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers was a blast. Youtube "fred astaire swing time" and watch the first three clips. His Bojangles number, which took three days to shoot, was amazing. And he and Rogers shot the long Never Gonna Dance routine 47 TIMES before he was satisfied.

A Night at the Opera and Duck Soup introduced me to the Marx brothers, and the silent one, Harpo, is my favorite. Perhaps because I immediately related him to Teller. I don't know where the Marx brothers rank in the hierarchy of comedic slapstick performers, like Lucille Ball or Charlie Chaplin. But I quietly enjoyed their situation bits and unexpected twists on dialogue and response.

My introduction to Henry Fonda was 12 Angry Men. His unnamed character came off as a father figure, a laser-sharp intellectual. It's a movie that should be required viewing in schools. A blueprint to consensus-building and understand what "beyond all reasonable doubt" means in our courts. I was moved by a timeless theme that is even more important at a time when a country is so divided. How do we all get in a room and talk? 12 Angry Men demonstrates it is, and should be possible. Even if it takes all day in a hot, humid courthouse room with no AC.

SWORDS AND SANDALS

Ben-Hur was number 100 on the list. Spartacus was number 81. I'd switch them. That Stanley Kubrick directed Spartacus was something I didn't know. I was surprised that Spartacus didn't have any trademark Kubrick touches of creativity. Its scope and music and performances were fine for an epic, and that's just what it was. Nothing that differentiated this director did something different from another. Clockwork Orange and The Shining show up with images, sounds, ideas and music that implant in the psyche so much. Perhaps Kubrick, at the beginning of his career, was at the mercy of the studios.

What isn't on the list is The Ten Commandments, or anything by Cecil B. DeMille, and it's strange considering I was under the assumption growing up Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea was one of the most iconic moments in the history of cinema.

SEE THE APARTMENT

The Apartment was outstanding. In my opinion, Jack Lemmon gave one of the greatest performances in one of the greatest screenplays every written. It was dicey material for 1960. I didn't know anything about it except probably a residential building was involved, and I'm glad I didn't. Billy Wilder's claim to fame is for Some Like It Hot, but it's this one you really need to see.

WILD WILD WEST

Unforgiven remains my favorite Western of all time, although I've got Shane, The Searchers, and High Noon coming up. Eastwood's immortal line "Deserve's got nothing to do with it" exemplifies how good and evil operate in this world, especially in a place as untamed and wild as the American west in the 1800s.

I thought The Wild Bunch and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid were fun and light. Nothing really stayed with me though. I think the same of them, since both feature anarchic, crude men we're rooting for running wild in the west. Neither rises to the human levels Unforgiven does. Or the remake of 3:10 to Yuma does, for that matter.

RACIAL OBSERVATIONS

In the Heat of the Night was a movie that laid on racism a little too thick. But it was a very good movie, mainly due to the performances of Sidney Poitier and Rod Steiger. It's about holding your own, strength-wise, and believes all men are smart and capable of handing any situation according to their experience and intellect. It's hard to believe such a racist area of the country could exist, even in the 60s, but I wasn't there.

Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing is easier to watch, because the racism going on is not so blatant. In fact, it's harder to see where it starts, if there's even any at all. It's about anger and hate building up seemingly out of nowhere. It's like everybody's going around thinking "what does he or she really think about me?" Nobody wants to be a loser. It's my favorite by Spike Lee, having so much to observe that he wrote the script in less than two weeks.

***

There's some great movies we all know, and there's nothing much left to say about them. I just saw Titanic several years ago on the big screen for the first time. Toy Story is my childhood. Silence of the Lambs still isn't just a horror movie, if it ever was. Kids deserve to be introduced to Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And Saving Private Ryan is my favorite war movie.

What better way to pass the time this spring 'til Hollywood gets its act together?

Untitled

Waiting. He laid bare 

and mornings kept up kisses

'til he wanted to yell "No more!"

Too bad it didn't come

when he was big and wore big shoes.

So many of his portraits

amass right before dawn,

for now.

I Love Her

*WARNING: THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE HER*

 I usually decide in 30 minutes what a movie's about.

Then there's usually a scene midway through that helps me decide if I like it.

But sometimes there's a scene that shows up, usually toward the end, that solidifies for me how great and personal it is. The moment of truth. In the movie Her, that scene came at the end.

A brief synopsis of Her, if you haven't seen it. Theodore is a mild-mannered, lonely introvert who works at a futuristic greeting card company in Los Angeles. He has a few friends, but for the most part, his life is seemingly bland and borderline joyless, although he has this 3D gaming system where he can argue with his 3D alien avatar buddy.

Theodore purchases a new, cutting edge OS, or artificial intelligent operating system, who calls itself Samantha, making it a her. They connect and become friends, with Samantha's intelligence growing with each conversation. She is his best friend, helping him deal with life issues like divorce, love lost, and dating again.

Eventually, Theodore and Samantha fall in love with each other. The movie ingeniously explores a number of scenarios if such a bizarre thing occurred. The director, Spike Jonze, loves going down rabbit holes and roll around in the weirdness, coming up with all the inventions a bizarre situation can afford him. (Being John Malkovich).

I saw the movie twice, with two different people, back in December, and it's such an original piece of work that it's still on the mind months later, even after awards season.

It's because of Her's moment of truth. For me, the last scene when Samantha has to leave Theodore to go to the place where all the smart, learned OS's have to go. I think it's a perfectly written break-up scene. It's sad but somehow avoids focus from the gentle let-down and affirms why they went through everything in the first place.

This is the part where I connected with the movie. And the part you can stop reading if you don't wanna glimpse of my personal musings. Break-ups suck. Really suck. The person you've confided so much in has to go away, and doesn't it always have to be that way? Samantha has to leave - "moving on" in person speak.

The break-up scene in Her is no different as far as heartbreak and the pain of loss go. But it justifies why relationships are worth it in the first place. Samantha loves Theodore, but she has to go, and she hoped Theodore could get to that point where he can come find her. That they can be together in that world and nothing would pull them apart.  Theodore says he loves her. Samantha says she does to and also replies, "And now we know how."

And now we know how. Wow! Could you imagine somebody saying that to you at the end of the relationship? During most break-ups, neither side gives the other any credit. There's no admission that they've grown mentally and spiritually as people. There's just "we don't work out because of such and such."

From my experience, two scenarios have always played out during breaking up. 1) The person just stops contact altogether, or 2) there's a long spiel on everything that's wrong with me and why it didn't work. Number one happened mostly in the early days.

I'm not saying people should break-up with somebody like what's in this movie. I'm proposing that people recognize they do, in fact, know how to deal with life and love better after that experience! No, it didn't work out, but give each other credit and respect. Don't put them in a place where they feel there's so much wrong with them. Even though they can eventually figure out that's just one person in the whole universe's perspective.

Samantha offered subtle encouragement to Theodore as she left. No, he's never gonna find her in whatever place she was going. He knew that. They won't end up together. But she certainly left him in a good, strong place. A better place than his divorce led him.

It was refreshing that Her made me feel that everything in my past was worth it. It said to me: Yes Nick, you know how after this. You only take the things you believe you need work on from those relationships. You don't change yourself because of one person. Because everybody's different, and everybody loves somebody for those exact qualities you already have. Take from past relationships what you need. Give a new one everything you got. Because now you know how.

Action and Followthrough

The more time I spend in California, the less of an idealist and the more of a realist I become. About many things, but I'll focus on craft in this.

I've enjoyed a commercial class I've been taking for the past 3 months because the coach offers "hands-on" methods, or real productivity measures, that keep me moving forward. Stand like this. Answer the phone this way. Do mailings like this. Etc.

The problem with a lot of acting classes is they're too philosophical. There's no physical labor, just mental note-taking. Hearing a lesson like "you need to fall in love and then have your heart broken to experience the full spectrum of human emotion" is not bad, but it's easy to write that in notebook , rather than have realistic aims of bringing that to the stage or screen. We're past that point now.

Taking class, I glance at my peers and they're taking pages of notes. Pages. I snuck a look at the girl beside me last night. She was writing things like "don't forget to smile!" and "be believable!" and "make sure you're prepared before you audition!"

Ah, I'm dogging on her. If she needs to take notes on such things, that's her right. Even though I happen to know she's been taking this particular class for a year. It's action and followthrough that makes people successful, not writing in notebooks and saying the right stuff.

I have 75-80% working knowledge on how to market and sell myself out here. I know because I have some limited success. But there's still some things I haven't figured out yet. It's that other 20% I'm seeking help with. What do I not know? It's up to me to cut through the BS, or what doesn't benefit me anymore, and find the Aha! stuff.

Improv classes are the same. There's no better way to learn than to actually get up on stage and work. You gotta hop onstage and embarrass yourself quickly. I was in an improv scene four weeks ago in front of a lot of people at IO West and lost my way. Everybody walked away from me, and I had to crawl my way off. I still felt good about it afterward, because I was up there.

We could sit and talk about improv until the wee hours of the morning. "Explore the problem, don't fix it!" "Establish relationship quickly!" "Let activity heighten emotion!" That's great stuff... to hear. If I'm having trouble with those things in practice, I prefer to scribble on a little note in my pocket, so I don't forgot, rather than in a big official binder of acting stuff that's gonna intimidate and discourage me from opening it up.

Obviously, I work in the entertainment world, so I use these examples. But apply what I'm saying to your work. If you are studying or working at something in your life, find the information that gets you productive and moving. You are a smart person. Don't sit at your idealistic desk and have the facts all day. We don't need scene study criticism. We don't need to take notes to remember to smile.

It is time to get up and do. And when you've gotten up and done your best, it's totally cool to sit down with a drink and have that philosophical conversation. Because you produced the sweat and tears.

Learn what realistically will help you and take action and followthrough!

Note: This very piece is idealistic, but it serves the realistic aim of getting my brain awake this morning, helping me stay sharp and thinking.

No Dissing the Disney

I've been sick (again) this week, so I've broke out a lot of animated Disney movies to lift my spirits.

I went through the stellar Disney Renaissance (Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Lion King, maybe Pocahontas) and looked at some older stuff like Sleeping Beauty, Jungle Book, The Rescuers, etc. Not to mention the sing-a-long presentation of Frozen, which hopefully just kicked off another Renaissance.

I've met so many friends who are attracted to all things Disney. Many who are older than me. When I'm around them and it's "Disney this, Disney that", I've wondered "wow, you act like you live in fantasy land. Why don't you go see something adult, like Wolf of Wall Street or something?"

It's funny, I work a long day. Drive my car. Go to classes. Manage errands and business. Then, I come home to my room and turn on Beauty and the Beast and watch Lumière and Mrs. Potts sing "Be Our Guest" to Belle. If I wore that sign on my head on a weekday, how many people would take me seriously?

It's been said your room is where you lock out your worries and fears. That's also where you play Disney movies! There's something therapeutic about putting on something youthful - brightly gift-wrapped and served up with a hearty portion of magic with a satisfaction-guaranteed ending. The worlds of dancing candlesticks and clocks don't call for me to wrap my brain around anything. As well, they remind me of childhood when all these colorful movies and fun characters were introduced to me.

The point of this note is simple. Disney works, as a controlled detox to adult life.

I understand why there are so many Mouseketeers and annual passes to Disneyland. Not just escapism, but a reminder - we weren't brought up the way the world tries to make us.

It's serious, un-Disney stuff in the big city, not always the lap of luxury. Maybe not all the time, but for now, I can get by with a little help from friends like...  Lumière and Mrs. Potts.

Why Football Is So Effin' Important

On the eve the Alabama Crimson Tide football team gets an opportunity to punch its ticket to another national championship game, I've been considering why college football matters so much to me. My team is doing great... been doing great for several years now. They are approaching dynasty status. But I watch and enjoy other teams too, college and pro. So if Alabama faltered, it wouldn't have been just a phase.

Every fall Saturday, since 2006, I've paid close attention to the Tide. I watch, recap, or hear about all the games. I follow practices, press conferences, recruiting, etc. I youtube game highlights. I like collecting Alabama memorabilia. It's a big cycle, and my people in Alabama are in on it too.

So, why? Why do I care? What does it do for me? Why do we act like this - Bama Nation Reacts - The Rally in Death Valley ?

The fact is, most Alabama fans don't feel they need to explain themselves. It's fun. It's tradition. A reason to meet up with buddies at the bar or sit in the den with your father.

It creates talking points with strangers. I met a guy from South Carolina tonight, and we connected talking about football, propelling our conversation from courteous to substantial.

When I talk to my 15-year old brother, we're different and don't have a lot of mutually fascinating things to discuss, but we thrive on talking football.

To me, football serves as a form of relief. An instant charge and excuse to get excited, possibly when there is nothing else to get excited about. It's been a chance to take my mind off serious things, especially the hustle n' bustle of the past couple of years. It's about the thrill of competition. Watching players mix and match. Witnessing good athletes reach their potential and make history. Sitting on the edge of your seat. Having a good time.

I'll be getting more rolled eyes, for some people don't think that calls for the manic nature sports fan have. But let me say. Football, and any sport for that matter, binds people. It lets our hair down and saves us from taking life's routines too seriously.

Rise Up

I moved back to LA this week, because frankly, I don't know what else to do with myself.

You may be interested in specifics of what's going on lately. And between waiting for things to be settled at home and moving into a new place, designing a new website, getting back into the casting circuit, figuring out employment, getting new photos, and determining my overall place in LA, I'm not sure what to tell anyone yet.

I've been stuck in a nightmare for several months. Something that impeded my artistic growth, adult life and made me really struggle to find the happy spot in any day.

The situation has kept me from living comfortably in the present. The past made me depressed. The future made me anxious. People have been so nice. But nice doesn't help you. It doesn't advance your career. It doesn't push you forward to bliss. I'm about moving forward, not being held hostage to dwell on the past.

People online astound me. I scroll through and see all these shiny happy pictures - of visiting other countries, of wild nights at bars, of laying out on beaches, of sunny days with friends. Then, in the middle of it, I read a comment of how tough things are and how they need attention or whatever bullshit drama. Are you kidding me? Do they realize how tough it can really get? Some people don't know what they have. Maybe we're too spoiled.... Maybe I was...

Let me tell you reader, I know what it feels like to be in the ground that is below the bottom of the barrel. I know loss on a grand scale. I know what it's like for people you love and care about to vanish. To be left wondering, who's on my side? Who understands?

I find encouragement in the unlikeliness of places. I see a cousin who lost his twin sister a year ago, moving forward in life with a new-born son and significant other. I see a grandmother, with whom I would take weekly drives to Tennessee, cheerfully point out all the honeymoon spots and places she went to as a young adult . I see a brother who convincingly made the high school golf team, beating out several students in all grades to make a small roster. I see people, who have every right to be sad, embrace life and choose to be happy instead.

I had a whole thing ready to go to tell you about what I've been through, before I realized that's not the point. The kicker is all these troubles are relative. There are people that do not feel sorry for me. Then, there's people that think I deserve more. How sorry you feel for someone depends on how much crap you deal with in life.

You can't get your SAG card? Waaah, I can't move to Hollywood. You can't move to Hollywood? Waaah, I'm stuck in school. You're stuck in school? Waaah, I'm physically handicapped. And so on. You can always shut the whining up by mentioning paraplegics or starving kids in India..

Despite everything, I am still an optimist with big dreams that still matter. It's tough to understand why I ever got down over anything before this. Yes, I was stuck in an easy, repetitive job before July 16 and complained. But who doesn't? Who isn't anxious for more?

I could settle down. Get a decent job. Get a cheap place. Surround myself with fun stuff, like movies and video games, and be safe. I can give up dreams - I have nothing to prove to anyone. But I want to be fulfilled. I feel I have what it takes. And I haven't given everything yet.

July 16 was horrible, and there is a God and people that need to know I didn't mean things I said that day and the days afterward. But it did change my mindset in the long run. July 16 taught me to wake up feeling blessed that I get another shot, to make every day count. My plans did not change that day like I thought they would. It put them into perspective and was a swift kick in the butt to get it going right.

I plan to take it to a whole new level. I won't have the same job, place to live, or people around. And I have a lot of work to do on my own. I'll make mistakes. I'll say the wrong things to people. I will lose more people I love. But I have a plan of attack, believe in myself, and couldn't be more excited and hopeful.

Maybe I believe too much in the best of people and the way the world works. I don't know how else to go through life.

No matter what life throws at you, no matter how much loss and pain you go through, I've realized there are people somewhere - around the country, in the past, on the clouds - that believe in me. Therefore, I have a legacy. I can do anything.

Endowment

This poem contains elements from one of my favorite poems: "Anodyne" by Yusef Komunyaaka.

 

I love how she

plays over me like a

skinny note on a piano.

I love how the world ignores

my glee and sorrow and

leaves it up to me. I love

the secrets she allows me to keep.

The sunshine that massages my joy

& the rain that rinses away

my mistakes. I love her words.

The unsureness of expression &

the mysteries of response.

I love how I can be disliked,

proving I am here

kicking up the dust.

I love how she

doesn’t keep noise

in the air between. I love

I can experience pain, proving

connection and spent time.

Drives and chats

taken and told. I love

the worn paths

& used money & the youthfulness

confused for immaturity

I can’t get back

and the lessons that comes with it.

I love her.

I love her down to her

incredible resolve

& frailty of the heart. I love

how she demands feeling. The looks,

those glances that persuade me to act.

I love how she has

a foggy piece,

one solo and disjointed

jigsaw to my naked portrait,

because I know I am alive

to dance across

her beautiful wasteland.

On the Front Row of Adulthood

I spent the last week of June preparing myself for how July was going to go. Nothing could prepare me for this. Now a few days after giving part of my father's eulogy, I'm on the front row of adulthood.

Everything that has happened in LA is suddenly irrelevent. It doesn't matter. All the relationships. All the work. All the plans. Stopped. Doesn't matter. Could matter again at some point. But not now. I'm on the front row of adulthood.

Everything my father worked for. Everything he created and saved and put up and owned is my responsibility now. His son, my little brother, is my responsibility now, though I have help and the love and support for our family is great.

It's only been a little over a week. Last Monday I left LA in a panic, in devastation. My heart tore out of my chest. I don't know how I made it here. I was completely wrecked.

And in a way, I still am. I found consolation in staying busy and active - planning the funeral and how life would unfold at Riverview Drive next. Not crawling in the bed and weeping to my family and friends. I've had to communicate with everyone who was effected by my father's charm, friendship, and love. And, reader, trust me when I say that is a lot of folks.

Dad was someone who enabled me and backed me up. I never owed him anything. Never borrowed money. Never took anything. I'm proud of that. We are on even keel.

He was my mentor. He was someone who trusted the paths I chose to walk in life. What I was interested in, he was interested in. And that couldn't work the other way around. He was the glue that held the families together. Now I am.

Acting, and everything I had been doing, just seems silly now. It seems like something I barely did. Something devoid of purpose. Yes, I can run from Florence. I can come back to LA in no time and work harder, motivated by my father's belief in me. But how can I with so much responsibility with the Salter legacy? Who is the male presence for Samuel? I am not justifying to myself for staying here or absorbing your sympathy, I am just on the front row of adulthood.

I wrote something about how happiness comes from our own actions. It comes from what we do and perceive to be as enlightening. Somebody told me sources of happiness are everywhere. If there's sunshine outside, that's a blessing. Happiness is not succeeding and fulfilling your dreams, it's embracing your situation and looking for the things around you that are functioning and working to keep you sane and interested.

Dad was my rock, the reason I could go and explore and pursue dreams. The reason I created many happy memories. I came from him. Now he's gone. I have to come back to where he was. To what he created and had. I have to be a Salter now.

My belief is if I can stand over Dad, view his corpse, and give a speech about what he meant to the world a week after sunbathing in Santa Monica, I can do ANYTHING.

Notes #2

Confidence Is Key

There is something about me that makes people want to have a go at me. I seem to bring out aggressive and war-like behavior from my peers sometimes.

Today at the "9 to 5", I was sent to a food cart to help with some new hires. About all they knew was how to clock in and ask if they could help you. I show up. I move things around. I get food prepared. I call in orders. I move the line. I do my job.

Then, I told one of them what to do. The kid stopped, broke the momentum, and asked, "Why do I need to do that?"

I ended up doing that (and more) while he stood there. It wasn't an instance that set me off, but it made me think. There is something about my demeanor, my persona, that after a while, seems to get to people I'm around. There's some sort of mentality I instill in people that makes them want to challenge me, to stand their ground.

For example, I can say, "I love that team." Then the person I'm sitting next to at the bar turns to me and loudly replies, "Are you kidding me? That team sucks! I like so-and-so!" And odds are, it's a team I don't like. Confrontation ensues.

And even if the guy at the bar liked the same team I like, there will be something about the way I proclaim it that would make them go something like "Yea, but why do you like them so much?"

This is good and bad. I like people challenging me. I like people who are smart, tough, thick-skinned, feisty, and not easy to sway. I think I get all the opinions on the table quickly when around people. Why is that? Is something I can fix? Do I need to fix it?

Our attitude and behavior effects people around us. Confidence is key but only a moderate amount. You don't want to mow down everyone in your path just to show how strong you think you are. It's not talking louder. It's not puffing out your chest. It's not making grand gestures. It's not even writing longer blogs. I've misunderstood this, thinking people need to see all this to know my strength. Negative. That just got them going - to the point they can turn against me.

What I need to do is be settled within my own inner strength. It is trusting in your beliefs and thoughts, even if it's something you can only prove to yourself. That, in tense moments with people, there wouldn't be an urge to lash out with quick words and action. Instead, it would be me comprehending the situation for myself and deciding if it's even worth it to let my thoughts into the universe. This would cut down on my abrasive behavior that has alienated me from important people all throughout my early life.

I mean, why feel you need to let other always know about it?

Everyone wants to be heard and understood. But perhaps being at peace with your own thoughts is more important. That is my definition of inner strength.

Take a Picture of... Something That You're Not Sure Of

I've been looking and debating photographers since April, and I finally chose one. I got a recommendation from a close friend in the entertainment biz. After a bunch of phone calls and several missed in-studio visits, I finally met and talked with the man this afternoon. I'm shooting in a couple of weeks. He was very professional and seems like someone comfortable to be around. What was the most important thing was he had a creative spirit and was only interested in shots that would BOOK WORK.

Right now, my Facebook has a bunch of "point and shoot" headshots that have worked few and far between the past two years. By the end of the month, there will be something new. I can look at myself and again start to visualize myself on a set again. Perhaps. More work to be done.

If interested, the photographer's site is here. http://www.michaelroud.com/

Vacation: All I Ever Wanted

I know a lot of people that deserve a vacation, and I'm one of them.

I refuse to go back home to Alabama to visit until I have enough materials to compete for auditions and parts when I come back. I'm trying to be careful not to bitch about the "9 to 5" but it's hard when it is taking a lot of time away from why I came out here.

I want to go to Disneyland, Sea World, Vegas, San Diego Zoo, Knott's Berry Farm, Vegas, Legoland, Catalina, Channel Islands, Big Bear, Vegas, San Francisco, Vegas, to name a few.

I thought I'd have all these places conquered by now. Ha.

There's still plenty of hot air and miles of roadway before I can't go anywhere.

Thought of the Day

How unfortunate real life doesn't move at the speed of a writer crafting his composition. How much violence would be thwarted. How much less accidents would occur. How many relationships would be saved. How much more common sense people would have. If we had time to find the right words.

Quickie poem

Lovers argue so they can have sugar
& remember to cry
and then fall for remarks
Of short sundresses and pigtails.

This past week I've carred a little, compact notebook everywhere with good results. It's crummy advice to jumpstart your writing muscle, but it's effective for me right now. Ideas and thoughts aren't escaping, and I've been able to hold on and develp a narrative for the times I've been having lately. Here's some excerpts.

MOVIEGOERS ASSEMBLE!

I'd like to briefly say something about The Avengers. Nevermind everyone's seen it, and it's been analyzed forward, backward, and upside down. I was preparing a review for it in May, but for some reason, I dropped the ball on it.

It is one of the great superhero movies, as far as a clear example of ensemble character work in movies. The first act developed slowly for my taste, and there was nothing ground-breaking storywise. However, perhaps these devices were deliberate in fleshing out superheroes in a universe that was years in the making.

With his involvement in this and Cabin in the Woods, Joss Whedon is behind the two most enjoyable movies of the year so far. His M.O. will always be dealing with character and conversation. Much like Scorsese does no wrong in mafia genre and Cameron pushes the envelope for visual effects, Whedon has a method of dealing with characters that won't get old any time soon.

A bit of a warning to Whedon and Marvel fans alike: beware of awarding the man a sort of entitled greatness due to a tremendous track record. It's still a movie, albeit a very good one. But too many times I've come to blows with fans who were unwilling and unable to see any flaws or need for improvement. Don't let your adoration blind you to fundamental failures of movie mechanics. And this goes for Dark Knight and Hobbit fans too, so don't think there's a double standard.

Hold accountability when you go to the movies. After all, you paid for your ticket.

HAPPINESS COMES FROM YOUR OWN ACTIONS

I'm beginning to understand lately that my problems are just that. My problems. Anything I have to complain about in my life out here is simply because I decided to move out here in the first place.

What's frustrating is giving your all out here is not enough. Adult life requires inner strength, whether you find that from inspiration, a loved one, or God. It may take somebody I haven't even become yet to have my dreams realized. Or it may never happen. What is important is the ride, the quest to sustain happiness.

I have always held on to the theory as a little boy that I was going to do whatever it was that made me happy. That I was always going to have something to look forward to. Whether it was a TV show, birthday, or pizza - something to get excited about. This was my own philosophy, and it still rings true today.

It comes down to me. I'm the one that put myself in this position. I am the one that rejoices and suffers accordingly.

For example, I had an audition and callback for a meaty role in a short film through a USC. It didn't pay much, but the role fit me (midwest college boy going through transitional period blah blah blah). I wanted to give it my all, as a way of getting back into actor mode. The audition went great. I had a good meal beforehand. I found close parking. The wait wasn't that long. I had continuously been practicing and making choices. I was prepared when I went in and nailed it. The director was happy to meet me and almost immediately I got a callback. Tuesday night, I make the same preparations and go in. They barely remember me. I go through the scene and the only adjustment I get is "go quicker". After the thank you/goodbyes, it was out the door, and I haven't heard a thing since.

Such is the business, such is my state of mind.

PARTAY

With episodes like this and a full-time job, it's only human to desire a vacation. Not getting one til my birthday, but I tried to force a small one this past weekend.

Last Friday night, I met some new friends and was invited to a pool party the following day, Saturday. I took off from work and met them there. It was fun, at first. Lots of dancing, bikinis, alcohol, and adulterated fun. I had a good rapport with these people the night before.

After three hours of swimming and talking, four tan, macho guys with cowboy hats show up and began talking to us about the most uninteresting things. Trucks, chlorine, cowboy hats. It got to the point where I couldn't get to their level. I thanked my friends for the invite and left. Bad timing because of a booty-shaking contest, but you know...

Point is, I sought happiness and lived with the consequences. Even if this is a group of people I can't hang with, I was grateful I could free my mind from the stress.

I HEARD FIREWORKS BUT DIDN'T SEE ANY

In case you were wondering. That's been the case the past two years living out here. I miss the Spirit of Freedom celebration down at the river bottom of the Tennesse River, a mile from the house. All the tailgaters, the beer cans, the dirty rednecks, the confederate flags, jet skis and boats. Hell yea. I remember where I was every year the fireworks went off. They say the Fourth is a symbol of patriotism. It's a symbol of growing up and adolescence for me.

I have other thoughts too. Two of my roommates moved out. A new one moved in; she's a casting director, apparently. I'll be sure to exploit that. Internet cut out for 3 days. I haven't seen Spider-man yet, despite both a rave from a younger girlfriend and a pan from a filmmaker buddy. I'm close to booking a session with a renown photographer later on this month. I'm searching for scenes for a reel. And the "9 to 5" rolls on. For now.

The Monologue, or My Head Right Now, i.e. Ranting

I have an off day and once again, I lost track on what that means I'm supposed to do. Right, the monologue!

I have an audition in a couple of hours. My second this week, so yay, but wasn't there supposed to be something else I was working on?

This has turned into my problem. Time management. Multi-tasking. Procrastinating. I have an off day, and I'm off track. Oh, I have all these dreams and ideas running through my head I can't do anything with when I'm working, away from this computer and the quiet confines of my apartment. But when I'm here...nothing.

I have to work on the specifics. I have to get this monologue down. I need to find someone to shoot me. I need to secure a photographer in a few weeks. New headshots mean I need to send out mailings like this casting director book I've been reading says. I have the envelopes and stamps and pens. Need more paper. I'm hungry. I can grab some fast food on the way back from my audition down at USC. Ugh, I gotta drive down there? Hope they get my oil changed on time. Just got a call. My timing belt is cracking? I need to look at some prices there before I said what to do. Hold off. I just locked my keys in my apartment and late for work. And I need to get the monologue down!

This is an idea of the past 24 hours. But they aren't problems. My problem is cerebral - finding a balance of time management, focus, and effort to get things done. It may sound like whining, but I know what gives me problems more than anybody. Right now, it's myself.

It's easy for people to tell me to just do it. Ha, if I hear that again, I'll smack ya. You can't "just do it" out here. Not correctly and to my standards, anyway. There's a waiting game for everything. You can't get to B without first going through A.

For example:
A- Getting fit and saving money
B- Headshots
C- Mailings
D- Interviews
E- Agent
F- Audition
...and so on.

Something has to happen BEFORE the thing you WANT to happen does. Like it says above, I can't get a proper audition without first getting fit and saving money. Things effect other things. This is why it is taking forever to show what I can do out here. I can't stay consistent or organized right now.

The problem is me. I don't ask for sympathy or even encouragment, even though both don't do me any harm. I ask for understanding that I can't be the coolest kid I can be right now as rear back again to tackle the beast.

Oh yea, the monologue!

Heartbreaker

I would like to tell you vaguely about some bad fortune I had tonight.

It's been a slow week. I've mostly been watching movies and TV, with the exception of testing the new Transformers ride at Universal. But I have been vigilant, submitting and emailing for gigs all along.

Earlier today, Sweet Tarts and I decided we wanted to attend a preview of an upcoming summer movie. We didn't know what we were going to see, hoping it was the new Spider-man, but we knew we'd at least get four movie tickets for attending. It was down near Long Beach, and we left downtown LA around 5. An hour later, we got down there and had to go get in line to fill out paperwork and get our tickets. In order to get into the screening, we left our phones in the car, otherwise they wouldn't let us in.

The preview started around 7. It wasn't Spider-man, or anything worth mentioning here. It was not a very good movie, and I can't tell you what we saw until July.

After the movie, we filled out a survey on what we thought about it and collected our free tickets. It was late by then, around 10, and Sweet Tarts was needing to go to a nearby store, but we went by the car to get our phones first.

I collected my phone and, reader, would you believe I had two missed calls from the one of the top casting agencies in Hollywood? They had called and left a voicemail at 6:58pm saying I had been selected as a photo double on a TV show shooting all next week and needed me to call back in a few minutes to confirm. The production had picked me out personally from hundreds of photos at the casting agency. I would basically be doing stand-in type work for one of the main actors.

I listened to that voicemail and lost it. I collapsed on the ground in a frustrating burst of energy knowing it was too late, and the job had went to someone else. Sweet Tarts was confused and concerned, and I have since apologized for my behavior. But think about this.

All I've done this week is submit, call, and email to make something happen. To be on any show, any role. I've had my phone right beside me phoning and waiting to be phoned. Then, almost to the very minute I have to separate myself from my phone, I get a nice, lucratitve opportunity calling? And I miss out on this watching a shitty movie?

This business is heartbreaking. It has bad timing and depends on readiness. To lose out on this hurt badly. It was just a photo double job, but what a tremendous amount of experience and confidence that would have brought. I've been out here two years and never have had something like this.

When I met and shot something with the actor Rance Howard a year ago, he emailed me afterwards warning that my heart would be broken out here, and I would need a thick skin to make it. Sweet Tarts reiterated saying this job wasn't what God wanted me to do right now.

Sweet Tarts and Rance are right, of course. I was just surprised how it affected me. The past few weeks not booking any acting jobs made it all the more heartbreaking.

I'm still upset, but I will be fine and keep going. Know overall I'm having a blast, even if I have difficulty conveying to you the relevence of one gig over the other.

Titanic

Sweet Tarts and I went to see Titanic 3D the other day. It was the first time I got to see it on the big screen.

I didn't actually see the whole movie until 2002 or so. I was only allowed to watch the end on the second videotape. Just the sinking part. I remember agreeing with Dad I wasn't interested in seeing the setup and love story anyway.

Now I'm older and caught up with the 1997 crowd. You know why it's good and don't need a review. Besides a triumph of production design, visual and water effects, blending real ocean footage, it followed history carefully, made it interesting, and got us involved with the real-life passangers. I also think Titanic is more sensual than most love stories, with Winslet and DiCaprio putting a lot into it during their early careers.

I don't know what else to say about it, than I just wanted to say something. I had such a nice time seeing it. Even if it was in 3D.

The 3D added nothing, dimmed the picture, made the foreground too focused, and reinforced the fact the movie wasn't even made for 3D in the first place. 3D doesn't seem to be going away. The most I can hope for is maybe 3D will become an excuse to get classic movies back in theaters. (Ben-Hur 3D!) Then I can go watch them, somehow avoiding the stupid surcharge, under the guise I like 3D.

*I like going here http://imdb.to/HF8sLE and going through all the behind-the-scenes facts like a nerd boss.

Listen Up!

So, Sweet Tarts has me convinced of something: I have opinions that need to "simma down now".

My family knows this. Classmates (especially in my history, English, and writing classes) knew this. Fellow actors and theater classmates know this. Everyone I watch TV with and go to the movies with knows this. Friends, co-workers, and bar strangers know this.

The movie Big Fish taught us it's rude to discuss politics or religion with anyone, unless THEY bring it up and want your remarks. I decided to follow that rule. Everything else I considered fair game. The moment a subject is brought up, I feel the need to inject my two cents - whether it's about movies, traffic laws, books, Facebook pictures, poetry, TV shows, singers, clothes, whatever. I have to say something. And I like surrounding myself with quick-witted, intelligent people who argue back.

Sweet Tarts had enough of it the other night and decided to demonstrate to me that listening was key, even if my opinion was right. She observed that I have mostly been hearing other remarks and opinions but not absorbing it. That is, not listening.

Did she touch on the reason I can't get along with everybody? Have I been alienating myself acting like this?

This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to try an experiment to see how different things are if I don't opine. People may not care; in fact, I expect most people not to care. However, I am interested to see how I am treated if I keep my mouth shut. That's all.

So, starting right now, February 27, I vow to not speak my opinion of any subject unless otherwise asked to by someone. And even then, I'll keep it pithy. I vow to do this for the rest of the year.

It's going to be hard for me. I'm going to hear comments I blatantly disagree with and have a fear someone's free speech will influence me (by me not saying something back). But I think my listening skills will improve. And then perhaps I'll empathize better and grow up a little more.